Thursday, October 07, 2010

Aunt Clemmie gets a maid

Uncle John had been feeling poorly for over a week, so HIS house-chores had piled up. The laundry room was over flowing with dirty clothes everywhere.The sink was full of dirty dishes.The fancy cherry-wood dining table, the one with the imported crystal chandelier over it was covered with dirty dishes.The oak parquet flooring in the entertaining parlor needed waxing. The carpets in the other rooms were beginning to look,and smell musky, and needed spiffing up.

Aunt Clemmie believed in living frugally, but something had to be done. No telling how long Uncle John would be feeling poorly. She was getting tired of having a dirty house. She never knew when company would come calling and she always tried to make sure that her house was clean,so she decided to place an ad in the local chain newspaper classifieds.
Monday was the slow day at the newspaper so they sold classifieds for $3.00 for fifteen words, more, or less.
Aunt Clemmie was very frugal,so she placed the ad on Saturday, to be published in the Monday paper.

WANTED: Full time housekeeper. Excellent pay with liberal benefits for the right person.
Apply in person at One Clementale Place.

Monday morning the ad was in the county paper so Clemmie expected a rush of applicants on account of the Bush-Obamacon Depression that was rampant across the country.

When the doorbell rang Monday afternoon she opened it to see an immaculately dressed middle-aged lady in a professional maid's uniform.
One look told Aunt Clemmie this was the maid to hire,but something just didn't strike her fancy so she took the lady's application and said she would look it over and then call if she was hired.

Uncle John had just brought Aunt Clemmie a cup of hot tea when the doorbell rang again.
He ambled across the living room and opened the door.
There stood a young man with a physique and a tan like a Roman god. Uncle John just stood speechless. The young man looked like a young Arnold "The Terminator" Schwarzenegger with long flowing mane like that "It's not butter" spokesman, but this Schwarzenegger clone had not had the Joan Rivers plastic facial treatment.
This fellow looked to be a real man, something Uncle john hadn't been in several years on account of his heart problems.
Oh my goodness thought Clemmie to herself as she gazed on this virile-looking young stud. Sure will be some excitement around here now. She murmured to herself.

"My God,my God," Stammered Aunt Clemmie! come on in young man and tell me all about yourself."

'Ma'am, my name is Je'sus H. Lopez. I saw your ad for a housekeeper and I'm not one to brag, but since everything I say is the truth, then it ain't bragging. I'm the best housekeeper a lady ever had since that Tanya Danza fellow that used to be on television when I was a kid. I can shop for the bacon,bring it home,and fry it up in the pan quicker than that Enjoulie woman what used to be on them TV commercials."

" Why, my goodness, Je'sus, I do believe you can.You can start to work this afternoon if you are of a mind to. The pay is great. We'll discuss that later. You just go check out the house and see what chores need tending. Take care of any you see that needs tending to. Uncle John here is my no -account husband. He will be up stairs in his office where he pretends he is a writer. If you need anything just call him.Just make yourself at home."

Uncle John promptly retired to his office upstairs while Aunt Clemmie went to her room for a long overdue nap. Uncle John's recent streak of laziness had frazzled her nerves.

Je'sus immediately set about cleaning,washing,waxing,polishing, and all manner of housework he saw that needed attention.
By 7;00 P.M. he was done with all the chores so he decided to poke around the closets for suitable clothing for a night on the town.He wasn't a wilding sort of man,but he loved his nightlife. After rummaging through several closets he finally found just the right spiffy outfit that would set the tongues a wagging at his favorite bar and dance hall.
He dressed quickly and then called a cab.

Aunt Clemmie awoke at midnight to find the house quiet as a church five minutes after Sunday preaching. Looking around the house she was amazed to find everything so clean and spotless. Why , this Je'sus was better than she had ever imagined.Could she really be so lucky to find such a virile looking stud that also did housework?

With a glow on her face and a smile as big as Texas she waltzed into the dining room where she spied a note on the table.

" My Dear Ms. Clemmie," Said the note, in the most beautiful script Aunt Clemmie had ever seen. "After doing all the chores and then finding you asleep, I felt lonesome for some companionship for the evening,so I did just like you said. I decided to dress,and then go out for an evening of dancing and maybe a little foolishness, if I might be so lucky."

Aunt Clemmie was not thrilled to be sitting watching the Late Show alone,but no need to fret over it just yet.

Presently the front door opened and in staggered Je'sus.
"I'm sorry Ms Clemmie. I didna mean to stay out so late but the party was going so strong I was just overcome, and I may have had a little more to drink than I intended.It won't happen again."

Aunt Clemmie was shocked into an absolute stupor by Je'sus' appearance. Her face welled up into a giant red ball that looked as if it was about to burst any moment.

"Why, why, oh my gosh!" Stammered Aunt Clemmie. "You dirty low down slut. If you ever wear my clothes again I will fire you and then shoot you stone-cold dead!

©-2010-Jay Hudson


Blogger The Journey said...

lol Jay- this was too funny.

7:46 AM  
Blogger Jay Hudson said...

Thank you, Journey! I appreciate the compliment very much.Jay

11:14 PM  

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